Emotionally spent.

Managed to get myself up and out of bed this morning for a surf. Paddled out at VBW and, well, it didn’t suck.  Set waves were in the head high + range and the shape was fair.  I got two pretty decent waves right off the bat when I paddled out.  I was feeling quite cocksure of myself at that point.  There were only about three guys out.  Then I slipped into kookville mode and proceeded to face-plant down the face on my next two waves.  Then the internal chatter started with the what the fuck is my problem this morning.  Then I let two good set waves go by. Then I popped up too early and missed the wave. By that point, I was ready to pull out a Morning Star (Medieval Weapon of Torture) to begin the self-flagellation you’re-not-worthy-to-call-yourself-a-surfer torture.  I was pretty much the only girl out in a pack of guys and I so wanted to rip hard.  Everytime I paddled for a wave, all eyes were on me.  But the harder I tried to rip, the more I sucked.  I wanted to say to each and every one of them, “You should have been here earlier. I had two good waves.  Really, I don’t totally suck.”  Then, the clock-ticking started as I looked at my watch and realized I needed to get out and get to work. Shit, shit, shit.  I started dreading the unthinkable – the paddle of shame where I would have to paddle in if I couldn’t catch one last fucking wave in.  I think I hate more than anything the paddle of shame.  It will take what might have otherwise been a good session and end it on such a downer.  Fortunately, I was able to avert the paddle of shame and managed to catch one last wave in to shore.  Whew.  For only a 1 hour and 15 minute session, I sure experienced a rollercoaster of emotions this morning.  I’m exhausted.


2 Responses to Emotionally spent.

  1. Christian says:

    Very well said. I can totally identify with this. You get into a hole and can’t get the hell out. Man, I hate that!

  2. venicesurfergirl says:

    I’m a bi-polar surfer….in one session, i’ll go from feeling like I totally rip to being the worst surfer in the line up. But that’s part of what I love about surfing..well, kinda.

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